For three days my longing

For three days my longing by Astrid Tholens 1999

For three days my longing
has been to be with you
And yet each day has brought
new demons in my way

The demons of lawnmowers and chattering birds-songs

of brewing Kombucha with tantalizing herbs

of making corn bread & burgers with chili and curds

of computers needing servicing, starting a new connection

of emails and out-mails to friends and acquaintance

Of grand-children's births and the laughter of children

of those who have died, and the memory that lingers

of my three daughter's chatter and holiday's festivities

of sleepless nights, mini-seizures and pain

But soon, my heart, soon, we will meet once again
to feel the crispness of pure fresh mountain air
the warmth of the sun on mountain ice
only one hour to go, and I'll be home inside

To hold you in this breath,
to take you in

to savor that simple joy

of 'I am, I am'.

I am Self (Moon Struck)

I am Self (Moon-Struck)

I am self
I am light
I am body


I am bending
I am moving
the grass beneath my feet
bare feet I walk


touching the earth
free of encumbrance
following the plants
following the nature spirits


the sky painted
pink-rose coloured


I see it all
in my vision
like long darts
of sunset
arrows of shadows


hot lands, sweltering
the rains came
sweet smell
damp and druid-like
humid and lumbering


my body still heavy
from years of immobility
heaving, pushing, groping,
for free movement
to reach the earth and sky


to stand tall
in my secret garden.

I wrote this poem when,  after many years of having to commute in an electric wheelchair, I was able to stand again - independent of my wheelchair. I used to practice in the backyard, my little secret garden. I was embarrassed to let anyone see me. I was so clumsy and so unsteady on my feet. And I began to practice in that garden. I began to feel that whenever I was there, I could really be myself, and just practice and practice. The plants were guiding me, I seemed to be part of it. And for me it reflected so much of what had been happening to me as a student of my Master. First, I was uncertain about letting people know I had received the techniques of self-Knowledge, and then gradually, with more and more  practice, I gained a confidence to tell others about this wondrous experience. My secret garden symbolized  the times I would practice the techniques by turning my focus within or the times I would  listen to his inspirational talks or help him with his work. It seemed that few people around me could see I was thriving, just like my tentative steps away from the wheelchair. I learned to see the world brand new...like I had been touched by divinity itself ...like nature and I were one soul, and all living things were made with a pure energy and I was merged with it. 

"There is a place in you that holds not precious sweet memories

and not a hope for a better future

but there is a place within every human being called "now" 

the present moment which holds an incredible amount of joy 

no promises, no billboards, no expectations

Just a feeling, a feeling of eternity" 

-Prem Rawat-